Trouble with Japanese banks

A friend sent me this during one of the many banking crises: I rather like it ...

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Enjoy,

Valerie.

Obedience - not

I was giving a seminar on personality development and had reached the point where I discuss the way different people behave under stress. People first meet stress out of their strongest abilities - that is, they try to do more of what they're skilled at doing. But if the stressful situation is prolonged or too intense, they shift into what's called the 'shadow' - that is, the less developed and less skilled side of their nature. Some people, under the influence of shadow, will resort to what I used to call 'rebellious conformity to the rules;' these are people who have an innate dislike of authority figures, and if authority has pushed its luck then the stress reaction is to say 'All right, if that's what you want, I'll obey you to the absolute letter of the law and we'll see what chaos ensues.'

I used to use the term rebellious conformity to the rules: that is, until Chris, who'd been in the Army, told us that he'd been had up on a charge of 'malicious obedience.'

Thank you, Chris ...

Take care,

Valerie.

That Examination Paper

Here's the spoof examination paper that's been circulating underground for ages, but it took me a while to dig it up. I especially love the final question ..

Candidates must attempt all questions.

Pass mark 99%

1. History.

Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

2. Medicine.

You are provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture your work until it has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3. Public speaking.

2,500 riot crazed aboriginals are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Greek or Latin.

4. Biology.

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500,000,000 years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the British Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

5. Music.

Write a new piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find the piano under your seat.

6. Sociology.

Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

7. Engineering.

The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box under your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

8. Political Science.

There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start World War III. Report at length on the socio-political effects, if any.

9. Philosophy.

Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

10. General Knowledge.

Define the Universe. Describe in detail. Give three examples.

11. Epistemology.

Take up a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.

The Wisdom of John of Gaddesden

I love this - John of Gaddesden wrote in (I think) the 15th century, and this piece is originally entitled 'Advice to a Young Physician.' It's got so much in common with the techniques common in management consultancy that the parallels are painful. See what you think:#

Advice to a young physician...

Dress soberly like a clerk, not like a minstrel. Keep your fingernails well shaped and clean.

Do not walk hastily, which betokens levity, nor too slowly, which is a sign of faint-heartedness.

When called to a patient, find out from his messenger as much as you can before you arrive.

Then if his pulse and urine tell you nothing, you can still surprise him with your knowledge of his condition.

On arrival, exchange greeting, accept refreshment in the spirit in which it is offered, remark on the beauty of the countryside and of the house, and praise the liberality of the family (but only if such compliments seem merited).

Whenever possible, ensure that the patient has confessed before you meet him. If you wait until after your examination before advising him to confess, he will suspect the worse.

When feeling the patient's pulse, allow for the fact that he may be disturbed by your arrival and by the thought of the fee you are going to charge him.

Do not be in a hurry to give an opinion on the patient. It will be more valued by the family if they have to wait for it.

Hide your instruments from the sight of the patient - and from other doctors.

Tell the patient that, with God's help, you hope to cure him, but inform the relatives that the case is grave. Then, if he dies you will have safeguarded yourself. If he recovers, it will be a testimony to your skill and wisdom. When asked how long recovery will take, sepcify double the expected period. A quicker recovery will redound to your credit, whereas if a patient finds the cure taking longer than prophesied he will lose faith in your skill. If he asks why the cure was so swift, tell him he was strong-hearted and had good healing flesh; he will then be proud and delighted.

Behave modestly and gravely at all times.

Do not sow dissension among the servants or offer them unsolicited advice, or brawl with anybody in the house.

Do not look lecherously on the patient's wife, daughters or maid-servants, or kiss them or fondle them, or whisper to them in corners. Such conduct distracts the physician's mind and is likely to draw on the house the wrath of God, who is watching over the patient. It may also disturb the patient and fill him with suspicions and worries which will undo any good that may be wrought by the medicine.

If you are asked to dinner, do not be over-effusive in your gratitude, and do not quibble about accepting the place of honour at the table. Be neither indiscreet nor exacting. Do not criticise the food, even if it is millet bread which turns your stomach. Stay sober. During the meal, enquire frequently after your patient, lest he suspect that you have forgotten him in the enjoyment of his viands.

Do not talk boastfully, especially amongst great men, lest they trip you up in your own words.

Do not disparage your fellow physicians. If you do not know them personally, say that you have heard nothing but good of them.

Uses for a Dead Horse

How to flog a dead horse.

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation says, "When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount".

However in this politically correct age, modern government, education and business have a whole range of far more advanced strategies, such as:

1. Changing riders

2. Threatening the horse with termination if its performance doesn't improve

3. Buying a stronger whip

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse's non-performance

5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included in the group

7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired"

8. Hiring outside consultants to write fresh instructions on riding the dead horse

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase group output

10. Providing additional funding and training to increase the dead horse's performance

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance

12. Declaring that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is contributing more substantially to the bottom line of the economy than do live horses

13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements of all horses so as not to hurt the feelings of the dead horse

14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory level.

'It is our choices that show who we really are, far more than our abilities.'


Said by Professor Dumbledore to Harry Potter in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

(if you don't know that J K Rowling wrote this, where have you been for the last decade or so?)

The man in the hole

A man fell down a deep hole in the street. He called for help ...

A doctor came by, wrote out a prescription, and dropped it down the hole.

A priest came by, wrote out a prayer, and dropped it down the hole.

Then another man passed by and dropped into the hole himself. 'Are you crazy?' said the first man, 'I've been looking for a way out of this hole and can't find anything - why would you want to do this?'

'Ah,' says the first man, 'I've been in this hole before, and I know the way out.'


(Taken from The West Wing)

Don't shoot the messenger

That's a common (and useful) remark. However, you might try Warren S. McCulloch's variation: 'Don't bite my finger - look where it's pointing.'

On critics

Jean Sibelius, the composer, said 'Nobody ever put up a statue to a critic.'

Mathematics - a thought

I'm always bothered by the number of people who've talked themselves into helplessness when it comes to numbers. I'm particularly proud of something that popped into my head when my six-year-old niece said 'Oh, I can't do numbers,' and some inspiration made me say 'Hey, you're only six - you can do anything. It's only grown-ups who can't do things.'

I loved pure maths at school and university, and although I've forgotten almost everything I knew I love reading about it - I'm like the characters that Sir Thomas Beecham had in mind when he said 'The English don't like music, but they love the noise it makes.' And in a conversation on people's aversion to maths, the following slipped out: 'Mathematics is only an art form that uses truth as a tool.'

Hope that helps,

Valerie.

True, but not the whole truth (2)

In the days when one crossed the Atlantic by ship, the Archbishop of Canterbury came down the ship's steps to be greeted by a crowd of reporters. It so happened that a major scandal was running in New York at the time, focussed on the spread of brothels in the city. One reporter asked the Archbishop whether he would be visiting any brothels in New York; the archbishop's reply revealed his lack of sophisticated, because it enabled the newspaper headline: 'Archbishop's First Question: Are there any Brothels in New York?'


Mind how you go,

Valerie.

True, but not the whole truth (1)

When Nikita Kruschev visited the USA as part of an attempt to ease relations between the Soviet Union and America, he played a game of golf with President Eisenhower.

This is how Pravda - the Soviet news service - reported the result:

'In his first game of golf, President Kruschev came second. President Eisenhower finished next to last.'

If you put it like that ...


Take care,

Valerie.

Civilisation

On being asked what he thought of Western civilisation, Mahatma Gandhi replied 'I think it would be a very good idea.'


Love,

Valerie.

Another Motherwell tale, with religious overtones

We were running a training course in the Lake District for the Motherwell team, and it spanned a weekend. Most of the lads were Catholic, so we went to Mass at the local church. (I'm not Catholic, but little Peter Farrell - a bundle of fun and so short that he had a second career as a bonsai lumberjack - was devout, and prayed regularly for my conversion).

It was a dismal business. Although we arrived mob-handed and lowered the average age of the congregation by about twenty years, there were no words of welcome. The priest delivered his sermon and his parish announcements as if it was the Day of Judgment. And the hymns ... well, there was no musical accompaniment, so as they were sung they got slower and flatter, and the final hymn was a long dirge to Mary which kept repeating the phrase 'England, your dowry.'

Well, I could sense that Peter was uncomfortable at this particular demonstration of the faith that had his lifetime's allegiance, and he was wondering how I was going to react. He needn't have bothered - when we left the church, the first sight to greet us was that of Big John Clark poking Alec Sharkey in the chest and repeating: 'What the fuck does he fuckin' mean, England your dowry when his fuckin' collection plate's full of fuckin' Scottish pound notes?'

Take care,

Valerie.

Another view of education

One of the happiest periods of my life was the time I spent working with ScotRail in the 1980s, when Chris Green was the General Manager. And one of my favourite groups of people to work with was the team at Motherwell; once I'd got my ear in (you could cut the Motherwell accent with a knife) I felt as if I'd come home to a bunch of competent, energetic, generous chaps who were revelling in the new atmosphere we'd created. I'll probably tell you a few Motherwell anecdotes before I'm through, but here's one to be going on with. It was related, over a pint, by one of the lads whose wife was a school-teacher.

The school had been troubled for some time by the presence of one small child, who seemed never to be washed or given clean clothes. (She also bore one of the distinguishing features of Glasgow parental ineptitude - wellies in the summer). Anyway, after various stratagems had failed, the head teacher sent the child home with a note requesting that she be washed and changed before attending school again.

The following morning, the child's mother - a Glasgow housewife so built that she had her own postcode - appeared in the head teacher's office. 'What's this note about our Doreen?' she expostulated. 'She comes to school to be learnt, not to be smelt - she's nae a fuckin' geranium!'

How I loved the Motherwell lads ...

Take care,


Valerie.

Education

Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary defines education as:

'That which dicloses to the wise, while concealing from the foolish, the extent of their ignorance.'


Cheers,

Valerie.

Changing a light-bulb.

(Choose your category depending on the circumstances)

Q: How many psychiatrists/counsellors/life coaches does it take to change a light bulb?'

A: Only one, but the light bulb must really want to change.


And I'll slip this variation in - it's got nothing at all to do with business, but has been known to produce some rueful laughs:

Q: Why does it take five women with PMT to change a light bulb?

A: Because it just does, all right?


Sorry about that ...

Take care,

Valerie.

A 'Three Marriages' joke

There's a fair number of jokes in this format. Here's one of my favourites:

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' bedtime preferences. The first one says: 'My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always brings me flowers and chocolates before we go to bed. I like that.'

The second one says: 'My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and ride me hard. I like that.'

The third one says: 'My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the end of the bed and tells me how wonderful it's going to be when I get it.'


Groan ...

Love,

Valerie.

Another insight into problem-solving

Have you ever been subjected to one of those 'rational analysis' decision-making processes where you have to write down all your preferences, give 'em each a score, and then divide by the square root of the date? Or looked back at the literature on 'human capital accounting,' which was popular when some consultant was short of a bob or two? Or been puzzled by the output of an econometric model that takes a couple of Kray computers to hold it?

I like this:

'Some problems are just too complicated for rational logical solutions. They admit of insights, not answers.'

(Jerome Bert Wiesner).


Love,

Valerie.

The Enid Blyton Approach to Problem-Solving

When I was about eight years old, I was given an Enid Blyton book by an aunt who didn't understand. It was called Mr. Galliano's Circus, and at a crucial point in the plot the heroine - Lotta, who rode zebras - was captured by the Bad Man and kept tied up in his caravan. As she lay struggling with the problem of how to get out of her predicament, she rememberewd a conversation she'd had with the escapologist: she'd asked him how he escaped when he was tied and bound and about to be buried alive or dropped into burning oil. This is what he said:

'You test all the knots. There's always one knot that's less well-tied than the others, and that's where you start.'

Years later, when I started my consultancy work, I recalled this saying. When we're confronted with an apparently unfathomable knot of problems, start by tackling the easiest one. With any luck, it'll happen as it does with a ball of string, and easing one knot will free up a few more. If you're working in a team, your easy knot may be someone else's difficult one, and vice-versa. Don't shy away from an apparently impossible tangle - look for the easiest knot first.


Go well, stay well,

Valerie

Job Stress

Chap goes to see his doctor, complaining of job-related stress. The doctor asks him what he does for a living.

'I'm a tomato grader,' he replies. Doctor is somewhat puzzled, and asks:

'Tell me about the job of a tomato grader - what do you have to do?'

'Well, the tomatoes come past me on a carrier belt, and I have to sort them into first grade, second grade, and rejects.'

'Forgive me,' says the doctor, 'but I can't see what's stressful about that?'

'Well, doctor, it's decisions, decisions, decisions all day long ...'


Enjoy,

Valerie.

The Owl and the Frog

This is a tale about management consultants. The only decision you have to make is whether to use the name of a real firm of consultants, or make one up, or do what I've done ... Here goes:

A frog is drowning in a quicksand. Looking up, he sees an owl perched in the branch of the tree above him, and the owl is wearing a T-shirt bearing the name of a well-known firm of management consultants.

'Help, help!' says the frog. 'I'm drowning!!'

'Yes,' says the owl, 'I can see that. It's called a quicksand. A lot of frogs drown in quicksands.'

'Is there anything you can do to help me, Owl?'

'Hmm ... yes, possibly ... but it'll be very expensive.'

'Anything, anything, Owl! I'm drowning!!'


So the owl flies around the area for a while, comes back to its tree and finds a clip-board, does some writing, and then:

'My advice to you, Frog, is that you learn to fly.'

'But how the *^*! can I learn to fly when I'm drowning in this quicksand?'

'We at McAccenprice do not get involved in the implementation of our recommendations ...'


Lots of love,

Valerie.

For use when discussions get heated and personal ...

This is an excellent alternative to 'don't shoot the messenger;' it comes from Warren S. McCulloch:

'Don't bite my finger - look where it's pointing.'


Love,

Valerie.

On Theories

I like this quotation especially because so much energy is expended by universities and business schools trying to create their own variation on the notion of 'management science,' and because those of us who work in the behavioural sciences ought to bear this in mind and take it to heart. It's from Aleksander Isaaokovich Kitalgorodskii:

A first-rate theory predicts; a second-rate theory forbids; and a third-rate theory explains after the event.

Economists ... but adaptable.

Q: What's the difference between an economist and a wanker?

A: The wanker knows what he is doing.


You can, of course, substitute your choice of bugbears for the economist ...

Thought for the Day, on Leadership

I'm not going to confine myself to posting jokes ... I'm going to share some useful thoughts and quotations, especially those that aren't well-known. One of my favourite quotes on leadership, useful for making the point that a real leader has some skin in the game:

'Wellington could afford to call his army "the scum of the earth, enlisted for drink," but Nelson couldn't - because he was on the same ship.'

Two Ways of Starting a Talk (with the right audience)

Starting (and finishing) a talk can be quite a daunting task. I've a story about the usefulness of reminder notes - wait for the one about the old sea-captain - but in the meantime, here's two possible ways of starting a talk, assuming that you know your audience:

1. 'Can you hear me at the back?' said not too loud, to invite the answer No, followed by 'Thank goodness for that, I'm a martyr to flatulence ...'

or:

2. 'Giving this talk is a little like being Elizabeth Taylor's eighth husband - I know what to do, but the problem is to make it interesting.'