Two Ways of Starting a Talk (with the right audience)

Starting (and finishing) a talk can be quite a daunting task. I've a story about the usefulness of reminder notes - wait for the one about the old sea-captain - but in the meantime, here's two possible ways of starting a talk, assuming that you know your audience:

1. 'Can you hear me at the back?' said not too loud, to invite the answer No, followed by 'Thank goodness for that, I'm a martyr to flatulence ...'

or:

2. 'Giving this talk is a little like being Elizabeth Taylor's eighth husband - I know what to do, but the problem is to make it interesting.'