A friend sent me this during one of the many banking crises: I rather like it ...
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Enjoy,
Valerie.
Friday 16 April 2010
Obedience - not
I was giving a seminar on personality development and had reached the point where I discuss the way different people behave under stress. People first meet stress out of their strongest abilities - that is, they try to do more of what they're skilled at doing. But if the stressful situation is prolonged or too intense, they shift into what's called the 'shadow' - that is, the less developed and less skilled side of their nature. Some people, under the influence of shadow, will resort to what I used to call 'rebellious conformity to the rules;' these are people who have an innate dislike of authority figures, and if authority has pushed its luck then the stress reaction is to say 'All right, if that's what you want, I'll obey you to the absolute letter of the law and we'll see what chaos ensues.'
I used to use the term rebellious conformity to the rules: that is, until Chris, who'd been in the Army, told us that he'd been had up on a charge of 'malicious obedience.'
Thank you, Chris ...
Take care,
Valerie.
I used to use the term rebellious conformity to the rules: that is, until Chris, who'd been in the Army, told us that he'd been had up on a charge of 'malicious obedience.'
Thank you, Chris ...
Take care,
Valerie.
Monday 12 April 2010
That Examination Paper
Here's the spoof examination paper that's been circulating underground for ages, but it took me a while to dig it up. I especially love the final question ..
Candidates must attempt all questions.
Pass mark 99%
1. History.
Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
2. Medicine.
You are provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture your work until it has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
3. Public speaking.
2,500 riot crazed aboriginals are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Greek or Latin.
4. Biology.
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500,000,000 years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the British Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
5. Music.
Write a new piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find the piano under your seat.
6. Sociology.
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
7. Engineering.
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box under your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
8. Political Science.
There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start World War III. Report at length on the socio-political effects, if any.
9. Philosophy.
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
10. General Knowledge.
Define the Universe. Describe in detail. Give three examples.
11. Epistemology.
Take up a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
Candidates must attempt all questions.
Pass mark 99%
1. History.
Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
2. Medicine.
You are provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture your work until it has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
3. Public speaking.
2,500 riot crazed aboriginals are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Greek or Latin.
4. Biology.
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500,000,000 years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the British Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
5. Music.
Write a new piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find the piano under your seat.
6. Sociology.
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
7. Engineering.
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box under your desk. You will also find an instruction manual printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
8. Political Science.
There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start World War III. Report at length on the socio-political effects, if any.
9. Philosophy.
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
10. General Knowledge.
Define the Universe. Describe in detail. Give three examples.
11. Epistemology.
Take up a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
The Wisdom of John of Gaddesden
I love this - John of Gaddesden wrote in (I think) the 15th century, and this piece is originally entitled 'Advice to a Young Physician.' It's got so much in common with the techniques common in management consultancy that the parallels are painful. See what you think:#
Advice to a young physician...
Dress soberly like a clerk, not like a minstrel. Keep your fingernails well shaped and clean.
Do not walk hastily, which betokens levity, nor too slowly, which is a sign of faint-heartedness.
When called to a patient, find out from his messenger as much as you can before you arrive.
Then if his pulse and urine tell you nothing, you can still surprise him with your knowledge of his condition.
On arrival, exchange greeting, accept refreshment in the spirit in which it is offered, remark on the beauty of the countryside and of the house, and praise the liberality of the family (but only if such compliments seem merited).
Whenever possible, ensure that the patient has confessed before you meet him. If you wait until after your examination before advising him to confess, he will suspect the worse.
When feeling the patient's pulse, allow for the fact that he may be disturbed by your arrival and by the thought of the fee you are going to charge him.
Do not be in a hurry to give an opinion on the patient. It will be more valued by the family if they have to wait for it.
Hide your instruments from the sight of the patient - and from other doctors.
Tell the patient that, with God's help, you hope to cure him, but inform the relatives that the case is grave. Then, if he dies you will have safeguarded yourself. If he recovers, it will be a testimony to your skill and wisdom. When asked how long recovery will take, sepcify double the expected period. A quicker recovery will redound to your credit, whereas if a patient finds the cure taking longer than prophesied he will lose faith in your skill. If he asks why the cure was so swift, tell him he was strong-hearted and had good healing flesh; he will then be proud and delighted.
Behave modestly and gravely at all times.
Do not sow dissension among the servants or offer them unsolicited advice, or brawl with anybody in the house.
Do not look lecherously on the patient's wife, daughters or maid-servants, or kiss them or fondle them, or whisper to them in corners. Such conduct distracts the physician's mind and is likely to draw on the house the wrath of God, who is watching over the patient. It may also disturb the patient and fill him with suspicions and worries which will undo any good that may be wrought by the medicine.
If you are asked to dinner, do not be over-effusive in your gratitude, and do not quibble about accepting the place of honour at the table. Be neither indiscreet nor exacting. Do not criticise the food, even if it is millet bread which turns your stomach. Stay sober. During the meal, enquire frequently after your patient, lest he suspect that you have forgotten him in the enjoyment of his viands.
Do not talk boastfully, especially amongst great men, lest they trip you up in your own words.
Do not disparage your fellow physicians. If you do not know them personally, say that you have heard nothing but good of them.
Advice to a young physician...
Dress soberly like a clerk, not like a minstrel. Keep your fingernails well shaped and clean.
Do not walk hastily, which betokens levity, nor too slowly, which is a sign of faint-heartedness.
When called to a patient, find out from his messenger as much as you can before you arrive.
Then if his pulse and urine tell you nothing, you can still surprise him with your knowledge of his condition.
On arrival, exchange greeting, accept refreshment in the spirit in which it is offered, remark on the beauty of the countryside and of the house, and praise the liberality of the family (but only if such compliments seem merited).
Whenever possible, ensure that the patient has confessed before you meet him. If you wait until after your examination before advising him to confess, he will suspect the worse.
When feeling the patient's pulse, allow for the fact that he may be disturbed by your arrival and by the thought of the fee you are going to charge him.
Do not be in a hurry to give an opinion on the patient. It will be more valued by the family if they have to wait for it.
Hide your instruments from the sight of the patient - and from other doctors.
Tell the patient that, with God's help, you hope to cure him, but inform the relatives that the case is grave. Then, if he dies you will have safeguarded yourself. If he recovers, it will be a testimony to your skill and wisdom. When asked how long recovery will take, sepcify double the expected period. A quicker recovery will redound to your credit, whereas if a patient finds the cure taking longer than prophesied he will lose faith in your skill. If he asks why the cure was so swift, tell him he was strong-hearted and had good healing flesh; he will then be proud and delighted.
Behave modestly and gravely at all times.
Do not sow dissension among the servants or offer them unsolicited advice, or brawl with anybody in the house.
Do not look lecherously on the patient's wife, daughters or maid-servants, or kiss them or fondle them, or whisper to them in corners. Such conduct distracts the physician's mind and is likely to draw on the house the wrath of God, who is watching over the patient. It may also disturb the patient and fill him with suspicions and worries which will undo any good that may be wrought by the medicine.
If you are asked to dinner, do not be over-effusive in your gratitude, and do not quibble about accepting the place of honour at the table. Be neither indiscreet nor exacting. Do not criticise the food, even if it is millet bread which turns your stomach. Stay sober. During the meal, enquire frequently after your patient, lest he suspect that you have forgotten him in the enjoyment of his viands.
Do not talk boastfully, especially amongst great men, lest they trip you up in your own words.
Do not disparage your fellow physicians. If you do not know them personally, say that you have heard nothing but good of them.
Uses for a Dead Horse
How to flog a dead horse.
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation says, "When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount".
However in this politically correct age, modern government, education and business have a whole range of far more advanced strategies, such as:
1. Changing riders
2. Threatening the horse with termination if its performance doesn't improve
3. Buying a stronger whip
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse's non-performance
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included in the group
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired"
8. Hiring outside consultants to write fresh instructions on riding the dead horse
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase group output
10. Providing additional funding and training to increase the dead horse's performance
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance
12. Declaring that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is contributing more substantially to the bottom line of the economy than do live horses
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements of all horses so as not to hurt the feelings of the dead horse
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory level.
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation says, "When you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount".
However in this politically correct age, modern government, education and business have a whole range of far more advanced strategies, such as:
1. Changing riders
2. Threatening the horse with termination if its performance doesn't improve
3. Buying a stronger whip
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse's non-performance
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included in the group
7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living impaired"
8. Hiring outside consultants to write fresh instructions on riding the dead horse
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase group output
10. Providing additional funding and training to increase the dead horse's performance
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance
12. Declaring that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is contributing more substantially to the bottom line of the economy than do live horses
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements of all horses so as not to hurt the feelings of the dead horse
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory level.
The man in the hole
A man fell down a deep hole in the street. He called for help ...
A doctor came by, wrote out a prescription, and dropped it down the hole.
A priest came by, wrote out a prayer, and dropped it down the hole.
Then another man passed by and dropped into the hole himself. 'Are you crazy?' said the first man, 'I've been looking for a way out of this hole and can't find anything - why would you want to do this?'
'Ah,' says the first man, 'I've been in this hole before, and I know the way out.'
(Taken from The West Wing)
A doctor came by, wrote out a prescription, and dropped it down the hole.
A priest came by, wrote out a prayer, and dropped it down the hole.
Then another man passed by and dropped into the hole himself. 'Are you crazy?' said the first man, 'I've been looking for a way out of this hole and can't find anything - why would you want to do this?'
'Ah,' says the first man, 'I've been in this hole before, and I know the way out.'
(Taken from The West Wing)
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